I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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