I feel like I'm in dance class right now
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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