I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
