i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
