I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Can Purell be used as lube?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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