I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize