I just threw up on my dentist
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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