I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There's always time for handjobs
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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