we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize