Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
