I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
