and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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