he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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