I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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