I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
