I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize