Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
4 words: hood of his car
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My vagina is officially offended.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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