Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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