So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
