hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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