Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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