it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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