Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
