Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
