somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I am one with the molecules
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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