Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
