Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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