he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
