do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
