im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
