I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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