Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
