It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
