id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my being single is dangerous.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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