Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
