By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
