She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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