It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i dont even know how to be here
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
