i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
