im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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