dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
