I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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