Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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