I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
