we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
