He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize