True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
