I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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