you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
