the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
