Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize