I'm gonna have a badass scar
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
