I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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