Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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